Why Florida Sucks Ass

On paper, Florida sounds like it should be great. Over the past few years it has only had a few weeks where it dipped below 50 degrees Fahrenheit, humid heat is way easier to deal with than dry heat, beaches, oceans, clubs, nightlife, etc. As far as natural disasters go, hurricanes are kind of the best one since you generally have plenty of time to evacuate if the storm gets bad and when they aren't bad you usually get a day off work for a hurricane party.


However, Florida's biggest problems are the insanely corrupt local and state governments, the complete lack of culture in cities and the racism in the white areas.

Governmental Corruption

The corrupt local and state governments have resulted in Florida being unable to take advantage of Obamacare making healthcare miserable to afford. Their current Governor is also the man who oversaw and was responsible for the largest Medicare fraud in US history, so that's partially why the healthcare system got so screwed up.


Florida also has a terrible problem with corruption from real estate developers. Because of how much of Florida's economy is dependent on tourism, migration from other states/countries and retirees resettling in Florida, real estate developers have managed to secure a disproportionate hold on governmental power in Florida. This is why the road system is so fucked in Florida and why the Federally built highways are the only functional pieces of roadwork in the state, generally only getting backed up due to poorly designed arterial connections from the shitty local road system and crashes. Developers can easily push around the local, county and state governments to get roads built straight to developments with zero regard for city planning. Florida can have traffic as bad (or worse) as California, with less than half the population.


That same governmental corruption also permeates the school system, which has resulted in overcrowding in schools and a distinct lack of qualified teachers due to cratering teacher pay and the State's continuous attempts to bust the teacher's union in Florida. This has led the state to pursue voucher and charter school programs that are rife with another layer of corruption themselves because of the stunning lack of accountability that these schools enjoy, making them prime targets for embezzlement and money laundering by the staff that own these schools, along with poorly preparing Florida students for higher level education. These types of situations also disproportionately negatively effect the poor, those in crises, students that are disabled and students of color.


Florida is also an economic time bomb as sub-prime lending hasn't gone away in the wake of the '08 collapse and is ratcheting up again, with the state doing literally nothing to stop it because of Governor Scott's limp-wristed and corrupt financial leadership of the state. This is compounded by the state's brazen attempts to ignore and obfuscate any kind of acknowledgement of the existence of climate change, despite the fact that climate change will most likely turn Florida into a third-world country economically at the end of the century by destroying its entire coastal property market.

Lack of Culture in Cities

Florida is arguably the worst state for culture to feature major cities. This is largely a result of the massive urban sprawl in Florida that basically colonizes farmland and wilderness with deed-restricted communities much in the way locusts devour a countryside.


Every city in Florida will have the following: Every major corporate chain that could make it financially, a sushi place, that one dive bar, the one hole-in-the-wall place that you have to try, a Korean market and a Latin supermarket. Every. Fucking. City.


The most culture each city has goes as follows:


Tallahassee has hills and the corrupt state government. They also have a Melting Pot... which is an achievement for their city I guess because you can't fucking visit Tallahassee without someone suggesting that shitty Melting Pot restaurant.


Tampa Bay Which is actually a cluster of cities that are all in constant alpha-competition for big dog in the area. Tampa went for big events (sports teams, theme parks, aquarium, whathaveyou), St. Pete and Dunedin are trying to be Brooklyn by the Sea and Clearwater is slowly imploding as the Church of Scientology has ruined downtown economically while the coke problem has seen a resurgence at the beach. Unfortunately, all Tampa is actually known for outside of Florida is strip clubs and its beaches.

I want to take a side bar here to address beach culture in Florida outside of Miami. Beach culture is the absolute worst part of the state of Florida. People crowd into vehicles, to take the over-crowded and poorly designed road system, down to the poorly designed single-lane beach roads to get to the beaches where the culture clash of hipsters, meeting parrotheads, meeting jocks, meeting hippies, meeting the sun-ruined elderly, meeting the druggies/homeless, meeting the tourists, meeting the snowbirds, meeting the waitstaff economy that hates them all, meeting the criminals looking to take advantage of aforementioned groups. And you have to listen to whatever group you are with at the time complain about the traffic, the wait times to get anywhere, how expensive everything was/is/is becoming and you also get to listen to them complain about every. fucking. other. group. that is there that happens to not be your particular little tribe.


The absolute worst aspect of it though is how the closer someone lives to the beach, the more likely you are to hear them say "life just moves too fast in other places". This can range from them referring to New York/LA to Clearwater or New Port Richey depending on how insufferable they are as a human being (which, for anyone that might not know are predominantly suburban communities where nothing of note happens on a regular basis).


The closest Tampa comes to real, honest to god culture, is the Greek Orthodox Community Sponge Docks in Tarpon Springs and Ybor City's culture of Cuban cigars and rum that survives due to the resurgence in the popularity of cigars and the improving relations with Cuba.


Orlando Probably the best downtown life in Florida for your buck if you're out of college. But still has massive traffic problems and the constant influx of tourists to visit the theme parks will be a consistent hell you have to endure. Orlando also probably has one of the worst culture clash problems in the state with radical racism meeting black communities, white hipsters, retirees and the largest Puerto Rican population outside of the island. Still, you can afford to rent in Orlando for a decent price around downtown, unlike Miami.


Miami is a tough one. One of the largest Hispanic populations in the United States makes Miami a much better experience if you know Spanish, have connections with wealthy Jews or both (it can actually lead to some amazing nights if you do). If you don't, or are a white racist, you are probably going to have a much harder time enjoying Miami. It is one of the worst cities in the country rent in by ROI, faces the most dire economic threat from climate change in the state and has the most insufferable sports fans you will ever meet that aren't fans of the Yankees, Patriots, Raiders, Barcelona FC, Man U or Arsenal. Miami literally has the worst worst drivers in the United States. 

This is due to the combination of terrible road design and cultural bubbling over of pissed off Israelis, disenchanted Spaniards, Cubans that want you to get the fuck out of the way, Jews from New York that hate they have to drive everywhere now, white supremacists that equate cultural superiority with the height of their truck lifts for some inexplicable reason and the elderly. Miami residents don't even blush at admitting this either, that's how fucking bad it is to drive in Miami. Miami is also ridiculously expensive. Parking's expensive, beaches are expensive, food's expensive and don't even dream about going near South Beach unless you're willing to blow through $300-$1000 bucks depending on which facility you stumble into. It is a fucking ridiculous place. Getting out of the city helps, but again, knowing Spanish helps. But that won't get you away, since Hialeah ranks 3rd in the United States for worst drivers and you actually really need to know Spanish there since it has the largest Hispanic population in the United States.

Racism in the White Areas

So all the stuff I mentioned before is annoying, but can be ignored to find something positive in each of these places. What's much harder to ignore in Florida is the persistent culture of racism and bigotry that filters through fundamentalist Christian and far-right circles in Florida. It is almost impossible to escape dealing with this bullshit, even in Hispanic dominated communities like Miami. The most egregious of the racism targets anyone non-white. Basically, through either outright hate speech or dogwhistles, these people will communicate that they do not like non-whites and do not want to be around non-whites, they don't believe in race mixing and usually drive a large truck of some kind, possibly with the "ole' stars and bars". These are, more often than not, transplants or the children of transplants from the "deep south" of Tennessee, Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina or Georgia.


The much more insidious kind of racism is native to Florida is the kind of racism mentioned above, except it doesn't target "legal" Latinos. Basically, these kinds of racists are your true Floridian racists. They are generally pretty racist toward black people, which is usually reinforced by racist Latino friends, but will probably still have a black friend or two that "is alright". But Jews are the devil to them, particularly "Hollywood or New York Jews". Muslims are the supreme enemy though to these "folks". You will not know this person long before they say something blatantly racist, slandering all Muslims (which to them is Muslims in Iraq and Syria). They will look at you like they've said nothing wrong, every. single. time.


Then there's good 'ole Baptist racism. This is the kind of racism that targets any black community that isn't Baptist, Catholic Latinos, Jews and Muslims.


Finally, you have racism toward mixed relationships among every group in Florida.


You a white guy and want to date a Puerto Rican girl? Prepare to have every Puerto Rican man hate you with the passion of 1,000 burning suns and shit talk about you in Spanish to your girlfriend as you stand right there because they assume you can't speak Spanish.


You a white girl that wants to date a black guy? You'll find people of all ages that sneer at your relationship and casually call you a whore while all the black chicks shit talk your boyfriend right in front of you!


You a black girl that wants to a date a white guy? Get ready for racism from both sides of the aisle!


You're an Asian that wants to date anyone that isn't Asian? Too bad! You live in Florida! Find a weeaboo furry chick with yellow fever, I'm sure the thousands of you can fight over that one chick.


A lot of these problems exist everywhere in the United States, but I would actually go so far as to say that while Florida may be not be the most racist state, it has the most diverse racism out of any other state and you will be forced to deal with racism in some way living in the state of Florida if you are not a white Baptist Christian that only dates other white Baptist Christians.

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