How Mark Titus Beat Depression

Sorry for the wall of text. This matters greatly to me, so I wanted to be a thorough as possible in case it might help out anyone reading.

First of all, every case is different so I'm not going to pretend that you can follow a guide to get rid of it. At the same time, you can get rid of it. If I can do it, anyone can. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to live with it for the rest of my life. I didn't realize it back then, but I dealt with depression and anxiety as far back as my sophomore year in high school (2003). My future was an open road paved in gold and I was handed the keys to a Ferrari, yet I just wanted to drive it off a cliff. Then I went to Ohio State, accomplished things I've always dreamed of, made a name for myself, and I still felt the way I did. That's when I was convinced it was never leaving me. I had to stop looking for ways to get rid of it and start looking for ways to learn how to live with it.

Thankfully, my change was brought on by two things:

• I was at rock bottom.

This was sometime last summer. I put on so much weight that I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror. I had no consideration for tomorrow. All I cared about was doing enough to survive that day. Every day I woke up, I laid in bed for as long as possible and then did the absolute bare minimum I had to do to make sure later that night I could crawl back into the same bed and sleep another 12 hours. I contemplated suicide every single day. The only reasons I never went through with it were because: 1) I knew what it would've done to my mom, 2) The idea of dying scares the shit out of me, and 3) I was barely motivated to get out of bed. Planning on how I wanted to end my existence required a level of effort I was never going to be able to muster.

It was awful. And the worst part is, as all of this was going on, I was completely self-aware. I knew I was fat. I knew my wife and I had serious, serious problems that had been brought on by my depression. I knew that my friends couldn't stand to be around me. I was 100% aware of how bad it had gotten. I just didn't think I could do anything about it. I knew I needed to fix myself ASAP and I knew that the real me was deep inside somewhere. It was just imprisoned by my depression and I felt like there was nothing I could do.

• Robin Williams's death was my spark.

I've seen a ton of Williams's work and I like pretty much all of it, but I never would've listed him among my favorite comedians or actors. Yet his was the first celebrity death that shook me. I'll never forget where I was when I first heard the news. For so long, I told myself that maybe things would get better for me later in life. Maybe if I get paid a little more, then I won't be so depressed. Maybe in ten years my career will explode, I'll be famous, and then I won't be so depressed. Maybe if I can get more people to like me, they can pick me up when I'm down and I won't be so depressed. Maybe if I have kids, watching them grow will help me stop being so depressed. For a guy like him - who had literally everything I thought I was waiting for - to still be swallowed up by depression was a sobering wake up call that that was the path I was headed down. My whole "just wait until things get better" plan was blown to pieces. If I was to get better, there could be no waiting. I'd have to take it into my own hands.

So I did. It was so weird how it happened too. It's totally cliche and nobody is going to believe it, but it's still the truth: The morning after Williams died, for the first time in years I thought I'm beating this shit once and for all. 

From there, there was one word I just kept repeating in my head for the next few months: momentum. It was all about building positive momentum. I looked at it like I was trying to push a semi-truck in neutral. It felt impossible at first, but I knew if I just kept my legs churning, momentum would do the rest.

And it was mostly just little things too. Yeah, I started exercising more, to the point that I'd run 7 miles at a time when I probably hadn't run 7 combined miles the entire year before. But that came later.

At first, it was just about putting jeans and a decent shirt on instead of wearing pajamas all day. It was calling my parents just to see how their day went, which I never did before because I was too consumed with my own issues. It was making a list of three small tasks (pay a bill, vacuum the living room, do the dishes, etc.) for the entire day.

After a few weeks of that, I expanded things a little more. Now I stated exercising, but even then it was only like walking around my block a time or two. Now I made my list five small tasks a day. Now I called my parents, but I also called a few of my buddies I wished I had kept in better touch with.

Eventually, I found that doing all of these little things made me feel really, really good about myself. I was so proud that I could wake up and get out of bed before 9 am. It became my drug. I wanted to feel more of that. I wanted to feel like I accomplished something every day.

There were plenty of bad days along the way. I just made sure to always be aware of myself. Always be able to identify when the bad days happen and make sure the next day is better. Make sure I maintain my momentum.

Ultimately, that momentum turned into positive habits. I not only escaped the jaws of depression - now life was actually ... good? This has been the weirdest thing of all. My goal all along had been to just not have a shitty feeling about life. I had never considered having a happy outlook a possibility.

But here I am. I not only lost all of the weight I put on after college - I'm actually in the best shape of my life (and that includes my time as a Division I athlete). My wife and I didn't just save our marriage - we're in twice as good of a spot today as we were on our wedding day. My friendships and relationships with my family are flourishing. I'm at a place that I never thought was even remotely possible.

In short, my advice is this: Maintain momentum.

Every little bit counts. It might take a spark for you to take that first step, like it took Robin Williams dying for me. But once you take that step, make sure you keep moving, even if it's just shuffling your feet a few inches. Also, it's OK to be selfish. By that, I mean that it's OK if the only reason you're asking your mom how her day went is because you are trying to fix yourself and deep down you really don't care how her day went. That's fine when you're getting started. All that matters is that you chase that feeling of accomplishment. Once you get it, never look back.

It gets better. It might take much, much longer than you or I think it should, but I promise you it will get better. I'm living proof.

SOURCE