How to Forgive

Let's look at a little variation on a nifty little thing called cognitive reappraisal.

Science bases what I'm about to describe on three things:

1. Our brain has a tendency to make sure visualization is prioritized above and overrides our reason
2. Our brain is almost completely incapable of separating vivid fantasy from reality
3. Writing something down has a more lasting neutralizing effect on your emotions than just thinking it

That in mind, let's move on.

You say you hold grudges, right? Well, the following technique has been observed to relieve year-long held grudges more effectively than years of therapy.

That's right, I'm offering you an easier, quicker, more believable and more effective treatment than any of what is stated in the above post. Read right on to find out what it is.

Follow these quick and easy steps to get your very own peace of mind:

1. Think of the/a person who has wronged you.
2. Write him or her a letter, preferably handwritten, in which you detail exactly what you wish you could say to them and sign it, leaving absolutely nothing filtered or censored. Remember, this is your fantasy.
3. Write back a letter to yourself, in their name, in which they tell you precisely what you want to hear, be it an apology, an explanation, appreciation... everything you feel you'd need in reality to stop feeling resentment towards them. After you've finished this letter, sign it as well, again in their name.
4. Read back this second letter every night before you go to bed over the course of a week. By the end of the week, you'll notice that, even upon meeting them in person, your level of resentment is reduced to next to nothing. You will be able to treat them as if they've righted their wrong, because even though perhaps you don't cognitively believe it, you do feel that emotional satisfaction and relief.

The idea behind the cognitive reappraisal technique is to fulfill an emotional desire with constant internalization of a fulfilling response.

There are many books on the matter with more citations, but I only have a few that deal with it as a side matter (to escape all worry, to practice mindfulness, to build charisma, etc.), but I can get you started.

In Stumbling on happiness (Daniel Gilbert, 2006), it is explained how a responsibility transfer alleviates worry, and why this works even though by reason it should not. It details how sensory input is connected to the emotional part of the brain, and it has an effect long before reason can set in.

S. Harris et al., Functional Neuroimaging of Belief, Disbelief, and Uncertainty (Annals of Neurology 63, 2008) shows that a brain first believes, and only then disbelieves, meaning the emotional alleviation comes about before cognitions have a chance to correct it. By then, you're happy (or sad) already. (Also Hackmann in Comprehensive Clinical Psychology, p.301-317).

Placebos work, even when you know it's a placebo: Placebos Without Deception (2010), T.J. Kaptchuk et al.

There are many more like these to be found in the Charisma Myth, and I don't feel I want to relist all of them.